Daylight
by Twin Duh
Summary: If the morning comes I'll be thankful just to see the sun  But the daylight seems so far away


**A few things to know:**  
>This was originally written for a roleplay account I have on Tumblr.<br>On it, I play Mary MacDonald_, _who marries Reginald 'Reg' Cattermole, and becomes Mary Cattermole (yes, the one and only who kisses Ron.)_  
><em>Dorcas "Doe" Meadowes is/was Mary's best friend. And Sirius Black and Doe were involved together, and it was getting serious between the two._  
><em>Lily and James are still alive. It's about two months before Halloween and the first downfall of Voldermort.  
>So, yeah. Hope you enjoy this.<em><br>_

* * *

><p><em>Autumn 1981<em>

_**I've seen sad, dark times. And I have waited for the sun to rise  
>I've seen sad, dark times. And waited for rain.<strong>_

The garment was beautifully simplistic, in a pretty pale blue. It was knee length, meant for joyous celebrations of sorts.

And it was all wrong. Everything about it.

She stared at the offending dress with dry, scratchy eyes before she pulled it over her head. The color was wrong, the fabric too soft, the size too big again despite having been adjusted two weeks ago. She had barely eaten anything this past week. It had felt like nothing mattered since… well since…

With a swish of her wand she dyed the baby blue color of the dress to a dark black - the color of mourning. That was appropriate for where she was going.

She couldn't afford to reflect on what had happened. It was still too painful to think of anything. She had been a blubbering mess the past few days and she couldn't afford to become one again today. Lately, a simple fond memory would wrack her with sobs for hours.

Instead, she focused on the image in the mirror. Her long brown hair was pulled into a simple knot behind her head, her face was bare of any makeup and more angular then it had ever been. She was just contemplating the bags under her eyes when another person's reflection joined her's in the mirror.

"Mary, eat a little," he pleaded offering a plate of toast to her. She ignored it but took the steaming mug of coffee from his other hand. She did her best to offer something of a smile at her husband, but she gave up and sighed sitting on the edge of their bed. "I, I just need to get through today, Reg," she muttered staring into the dark brown liquid of the mug she clutched.

When it was time for them to leave, he took her arm and they disapparated together. She felt pressure on all sides of them for a few moments. Her stomach dropped as they landed in the graveyard with a soft thump, and she felt nauseous. She was glad she had turned down the food from earlier.

Mary noticed it was a small funeral, but large crowds were dangerous targets. They had lost so many close to them already too, that there was just simply less of them now. There had been too many deaths in these past few months. So much pain and sorrow for everyone she knew. One of her best friend's death, Marlene McKinnon's, was still an open and aching wound for them all. The only way she was able to deal with this death, was by pretending the body in the coffin was someone other then who it was. She pretended it was stranger. It was the only way she could listen to all the wonderful stories of the past concerning the person they had gathered for.

Memories played in her mind like a happy movie as everyone talked. She felt detached from the stories, even though many of them contained herself. She became lost in the unspoken stories about the deceased that only she knew. And before she knew it, they were all carrying roses and walking towards the wooden box that she hadn't been able to look at the entire time. She mindlessly followed suit, shuffling behind a familiar head of red hair clutching onto a guy with messy hair and glasses. She tried to look everywhere but at the person in the coffin, but when she caught sight of the familiar smooth blonde hair, she suddenly back up in fright. A pair of strong arms wrapped themselves around her shoulders trying to be comforting. She shrugged him off, "I can't do this Reg," she whispered frantically, her eyes stinging with unshed tears. A single sob escaped her.

"I can't say goodbye to Doe."

She couldn't lie to herself any longer about the truth: Dorcas "Doe" Meadowes, Mary's best friend, was dead.

The stillness of the body before her was scary. It was unnatural, all wrong. The smooth pale face was expressionless, something Doe never was. Her best friend lived, played, fought, laughed, hated and loved with all her heart, and it had always shown on her face in vibrant expressions.

Then all of a sudden Mary was running in the opposite direction. She needed to get away, she couldn't face this. Vaguely it registered in the back of her mind that Reg and Lily tried to go after her, but she disapparated away before either of them could make her face this terrible truth.

She didn't even know what particular destination she had in mind. Glancing around the new setting, her eyes caught sight of a long pretty white dress peeking out of the closet: a wedding dress. When she realized she arrived in Doe's bedroom, it made her sink to her knees sobbing.

"_Mary, do me a favor."  
>"Yeah Doe?"<br>"Will you be my maid-of-honor at my wedding?"  
>"You're engaged?"<br>"No, I just wanted to be prepared in case I did."  
>"Oh."<br>"Mary you dolt, I'm getting married! He proposed last night!"_  
><em>"Oh Doe I'm so happy for you!"<em>

The memory was loud, painful and made her furious. Despite the looseness of her clothes, she felt like it was suddenly too tight, suffocating her, chocking her. She pulled and tugged at it frantically until she got it over her head and stood clad in only her practical undergarments. She stared a the garment in her hands and returned it to it's original baby blue color. This was the dress she was supposed to wear dancing at Doe's wedding, not crying at her funeral.

She threw it angrily. When her dress didn't make any satisfying thump against the wall, she reached around her blindly looking for something that would shatter or break satisfyingly. Anything she could get her hands on was thrown against the wall; a vase, a hairbrush, pillows, fragile seashells, and framed photographs were all the victims of her anger.

Footsteps sounded outside Doe's bedroom, and she watched silently as a dark haired man came in and picked up the broken photo frame she had just thrown. She barely recognized Sirius Black through her tears. At the sight of her, he said nothing, only handed her back the broken picture. She looked at the photo in the frame this time. It was of her and Doe. They were wearing healer uniforms with their arms wrapped around each other. Excited, carefree smiles filled their faces, it was the day they had both started training at St. Mungos to become healers.

She would of sat there staring at the picture for hours if Sirius hadn't pulling an oversized t-shirt over her head to cover her up. He pressed a pair of sweats into her arms wordlessly. It was then she got a closer look at him. His shoulder was caked in dried blood, his face a swollen mess and eyes bloodshot. She was pretty sure his bandaged hand was broken too. It looked like he had gotten into a fight and lost.

"You weren't there," she croaked out in realization as she clutched the sweats and picture to her chest, "At the funeral, you didn't come."

There was a long pause as she waited for an answer from Sirius. "I wasn't there. I wasn't there when she needed me, Mary. I don't deserve to get to be there now," his voice rose in anger, obviously at himself.

"You can't blame yourself Sirius. They say… they say that it was you-know-who and when he's after you-"

"VOLDERMORT! Mary, VOLDERMORT killed my _fiancée_! I don't know why you can't say his name anymore, you used to. Doe wouldn't want you to live in fear of a name just because of what happened to her," his face was livid, his anger misdirected at her. She visibly flinched at his harsh tone.

Her voice was small when she finally spoke again, "I was at the funeral but I-I couldn't. I can't say goodbye to her, Sirius, not - to - Doe." She sank back to the floor and covered her face with her hands as uncontrollable sobs overtook her. She tried to say something more, but it just came out in a hiccup like cry.

He thought he understood her completely as he sat on the floor beside her. They were two people with shared grief, unable to comfort each other when they couldn't comfort in themselves. How did you say goodbye to someone who had passed away so young, so full of spark and life? How could you say goodbye to someone who's time on earth just wasn't done. How could you say goodbye to the ones you loved the most?

Every time she thought she though she was able to speak, her words were mangled and dissolved into tears of despair. Eventually, she stood and offered Sirius her hand. "We have to go back," she sniffed weakly. She could see the protests rising within him, but she repeated herself more forcefully, "We _have_to go back."

They disapparated and Mary pointed out the fresh pile of dirt indicating the recent burial. It was now dark outside and the graveyard was empty. Collapsing into each other, they stumbled forward together, being the only thing to hold each other up. Her bare knees hit the grass and she placed her hands on the mound of dirt in front of her. The distance between her and Doe felt so far. She needed to be as close as she could, but she'd never be close to that blonde head of hair again. She'd never hug her best friend again, never see her smile, hear her laugh.

"I can't be strong for you Doe, I tried. Oh how I tried. But I can't," she whispered and breathed in a shallow, shaky breath, "We promised to be best friends forever, to always be there for each other. But you're not here, you can't be here when I need you most," she broke off momentarily trying to control herself, "I miss you, and I'll always need you more then you ever know." She placed the broken photograph from earlier on the uneven ground. Sirius knelt down beside her, touching his shoulder to her's. Mary watched him reach into his jacket pocket and pulled out something that flashed gold. He laid it on the ground in front of the frame, and when he pulled back she recognized two plain gold rings – wedding rings.

a breathless female voice sounded in relief behind her, "Oh thank Godric. Mary, Sirius, there you two are. We've been looking for you guys all day." She didn't take her eyes off the picture and rings on the grave in front of her to look at who it was. It didn't take long for half a dozen more pops of aperation to join them. Lily pulled Mary into a long embrace at the same time James hugged Sirius. When the redhead pulled away, Reg replaced Lily and gripped her protectively in his arms as if he was afraid to lose her again. Mary herself was afraid she'd fall apart without him holding her.

She saw Remus had his hand on Sirius' shoulder in a comforting gesture and Lily and James were clinging onto each other. No one questioned Sirius' beaten appearance and Mary's lack of pants.

They stayed like this through most of the night. Occasionally in silence, sometimes sharing a fond memory of a brave, loving and silly Doe. None of them could say goodbye, they wouldn't either. Doe would forever be living inside of them – as would Marlene, their families, and everyone else who they lost from their lives would too. They would never be themselves without having been graced with these wonderful people in their lives, however short it had been.

When the sun rose, they watched it chase away chase away a part of their overwhelming despair bit by bit, until it was manageable. They couldn't forget, not like they ever wanted too. Daylight had arrived, and they had to go on with their lives.

_**If the morning comes I'll be thankful just to see the sun  
>But the daylight seems so far away <strong>_


End file.
